I want to rip my heart out...

Well, not really but when you're feeling what I am feeling right now you would understand why I say that. Oh no, my life is not sucking right now and no I am not depressed, actually I am the opposite. I've been having a wonderful time with a certain guy, which I pray to God he doesn't still read my blogs, or I will feel totally exposed in front of him. I have never felt the things I am feeling now and it's stupid because we're friends, nothing more, from what I can see, but even right now my heart is racing and I feel a little anxious writing this. When Todd and I were dating, I was on the urge of being absolutely in love now that I think of it, however I never got this feeling I am having now with him. I am probably analyzing too much again, but when you've had a friends since freshman year of highschool, you've liked ever since, you stood on the sides and watched him with other girls, then finally giving up on following your quest to get him to notice you as more than a friend, and now pour some of your heart out to him and he responds a little is a major deal to me. I never really knew how his relationships were until he opened up a little and told me, of course it wasn't out of the blue, I have done my share of telling some intimate things to him as well. He's single now, you're single now, what's the hold up? Rejection form the one person I have always had on a pedestal in my mind. If he actually knew exactly what I was thinking he'd probably freak out, or maybe it's just exactly what he wanted. When you've like someone for a long time, and feelings never changed it's hard for me to get across exactly what I want to say. I'm a girl, why should I have to? It's stupid for me to say that, even though I would never have the balls to actually make the first leap, maybe. But, this feeling it's a little bit of a rapid heart beat, nervousness, shakiness, an urge to just latch on and never let go. I would feel so embarrassed if I did actually leap across the car and plant one on him. I have to get it out, I am not psycho, I'm fiening. I am fiening something that I have needed for a long time, that I never had with anyone else. Now if only I could see in the future and know exactly what would happen, or what he'd think. So pray to God again he doesn't read this and think I am psycho, pray to God he doesn't read this at all, on the other hand pray to God, he sees exactly where I am coming from and realize the word "hurt" is never a word I use in a relationship. I've given nothing but total devotion in relationships, never once cheated, never once broke up on bad terms, never once hurt someone so bad to cause them to stop loving. The hang ups are nothing to me, as far as I am concerned there will never be a hang up, a flaw (besides being casually late sometimes), a horrible secret, a freaky habit. When you feel like I do, this person can do no wrong. This is why I want to rip my heart out, so I don't have to deal with any emotion ever again, I don't want to be hurt, nor do I want to hurt someone. If I just got rid of my heart I'd feel nothing and live life the same. However I can't, and I am pretty sure no matter what happens, that feeling will always be there, maybe not as strong, but it will be there. I don't want to be standing on the sides this time but I'm not brave enough not to be.

A light at the end of the tunnel...

I had a wonderful time last night after a very confusing, stressful, hectic day. My anxiety attacks kicked in mid day and I just couldn't seem to calm myself and ended up leaving work early. After my heart was racing and my blood pressure was up and it just seemed like it didn't want to come out of me, my chest was tight and I was starting to get a migraine, it was horrible. So after leaving work an hour early I went home to walk into more chaos since we're doing some small alterations to the house before the holidays hit. I managed to sneak off into the basement for a half an hour and read a chapter in my book. Brennen had a hockey game at 7 last night, and after the fiasco on saturday I was very reluctant to even go to the game. They lost as usual, but it was good seeing Brennen out there on the ice. Afterwards, Eric and I went to dinner, had a burger and a shake and talked till 2am. That was the highlight of my whole day, being able to have someone listen to my bullshit. I was very shocked at some of the things that were up for conversation, not shocked in a bad way but more of a "you can fell comfortable around me to basically tell anything" kind of way. So, he knows more about me and I feel I know a hell of alot about him. And Todd, after our little chat, I'm still chicken shit and need some more encouragment. If I ruled the world you know exactly how it would be run, so I need a kick in the ass again, if you'll be so kind.

When life is hard you have to change....

Not that my life is hard in any means but the lyrics from my all time favorite band put it best I think. It's time for a change again, yes my hippy ass didn't want to believe that Saturn or whatever planet went into another retrograde, and that it really would effect my life right now, but I can honestly say I see a difference. I am a little more cranky then usual, I am analyzing everything, and I am in desperate need of a change again. So here's the plan, #1. My Room, it's a disastrous monstrosity of a space. It's piled with dirty laundry, magazines and mail I need to go through yet. My art projects are sitting up against my walls half finished just waiting to be tickled with my paint brush again. It is definitely time for a new bed dressing, I love the leopard print but it's going to go. I feel so weighed down in that room, and I've been having weird dreams, usually when I have unusually weird dreams it means that I'm not comfortable with something in my life. I'm going to go to Borders sometime this week and pick up a clearance book on Feng Shui, see if it makes a difference. #2 Relationships, I have not been the best friend lately, not returning phone calls, not answering my phone, I feel like I'm in a slump. This week I am focusing on returning phone calls maybe even some hand written letters of apology for being a horrible person. Angie, is a sweetheart, she'd do anything for me but for some reason I just don't call her back, she's at the top of the list for apologies. #3. Daily Routine, ok so I haven't been the best with keeping the diet, so today I started over again, I have to keep this promise to myself because I am gradually starting to see that I am not faithful to any promise I make usually, that's why I don't make them. Although I am not a big fan of exercise, I am starting up the old yoga videos again, and yes I will begin another strenuous session at the YMCA with the little brother. Believe it or not, for a 14 yr old, he's one hell of a trainer. #4 Money, Finally I am out of the red, after that little fiasco at the ATM, I realize that I should never have a card taken away from me because of my stupidity. So, Christmas is coming, I am saving up for that and other then that I am saving my damn money, and hopefully by summer I will be all caught up on bills and be able to move out. So there it is in writing, my friends will read this and I am sure if I am not doing something on this list I will hear about it, and I am hoping they will be there for me to remind me I am trying to put my life in order once again. Any suggestions from any friends or others will be helpful, please feel free to leave one. Any "help" books friends want to pass along or advise would be greatly appreciated. Eric, do not under any circumstance let me go in your room and get a BigKat, even though I will be craving one and want to kill anyone who stands in the way. Here's to a new year a little early I guess.

I'm running for office...

Ok, so today is Election Day. As usual I have already placed my vote and don't ask which way I vote because if you know me you already know I'm a liberal, tree huggin, gay marriage supportin, protesting, indie hippie.I catch a ton of slack from co-workers about my party selection. Really, I think it's hilarious to get my co-workers so upset over such nonesense comments about how liberal I really am. Either way, Michael Moore would be a good friend of mine if I had the chance to meet him. So, today I am in line waiting to vote, when young, sweatsuit wearing young male moron asks me..and I quote.." Who are you voting for?". Now normally I don't care to answer that question but in line at a voting both really wasn't the place (nor time since I had just rolled out of bed) to ask me such nonesense. In response to my "ummm, don't you think that's personal especially in here?" he proceeds in a loud tone of voice that he is proudly voting for Bush. Now I've been downtown Detroit at insanely late hours of the night, hell I've been in Chicago late at night and not think anything of it, but for some odd reason those words comming out of his mouth so loudly at the voting booth I was scared to death. I seriously looked around for people pulling handguns from purses getting ready to shoot this man. I should have known better since most of Monroe stand for the Republican side of the road. Either way, it's scary that people like him are even allowed to vote (look what happened four years ago when this guy voted). When I elected President, I will pass a law that requires all votes to take an IQ test, as well as a Common Sense Test. So vote for Mandy in 2008. I will cut taxes, I will have health care for all the working, and for the non working I will ship thier lazy 16 yr old asses out of the country with their 5 children and 10 lbs of crack. Like I said before if you don't like what I have to say let me know, but for people that know me, they understand. On that note, I'm Mandy and I aprove this message. Kerry in 04'!!!