If I told you this was killing me, would you stop?

Well another month gone by and I still feel like I have been spinning my tires. Same job, same residency. Nothing ever seems to change (can you tell it's kind of a depressed day?) At work today all I could think about was getting the hell out of there yet I don't have anything to do after work, so why the rush? I feel so tied down there, nothings exciting anymore, nothings surprising anymore. It's the same thing everyday, work with the same people, sit int he same chair at the same computer, listening to the same people bitch. IM IN DESPERATE NEED OF A CHANGE! Yes, this article contradicts everything I said about change. I was blessed with the honor of meeting some new people last night. I drove down to the coffee house with my brother for open mic night, and ended up meeting an outgoing spirit there named Gerald (Miguel) hehe! Anyways, I normally do not just hang with people I do not know but for some reason this guy wanted me to go down to 129 Lounge with his and some friends. Let me tell you soemthing, it was an awesome time, for the first time in my life I wasn't shy around these new people and I am defintely looking forward to next Wednesday night. So with some new friends and the potential for a new job, life seems a little bit more brighter, until Tuesday comes and it's back to the same routine. I am heading out with my brother this weekend, who knows where, we have to hit the movies to see Ladder 49, a movie with Johnny and Joaquin? HOLY SHIT! MY PRAYERS WERE ANSWERED. I also have been keeping track of my horoscopes, only after they are to happen, just to see if they are even close to what happened. Honestly, they have not been all that far off, and for those fo you who know me, there was an especially haunting one about never never land being right in front of me and whitin reach. You know exactly what I am talking about. Change? Is it really a bad thing? Maybe, I may regret all the choices I make soon, or they could totally change my life and give me that kick in the ass I needed. So if anyone wants to spice up my life this weekend let me know, come find me I'll be more than happy to chat with you or hang with you. Bring on the change, bring on new things for me to do. Tomorrow is a totally different day and month, it's my month to shine with only 18 days till my birthday. Wish me luck on a new month and new experiences. I'll tell you if anything is better or worse. Out with the old in with the new.

It's all about the music...

I don't think I'm on the same level with my friends. Not saying I am better than any of my friends but thinking wise I am just not there. I was told by my mother not too long ago that I was "wierd", this is after she has read all my little blogs here. She doesn't understand the way I see things, and I am beginning to think neither do my friends. My tatse of music, my rationale my attire, all totally different from my friends, so I ponder exactly why I have friends since I am so different form them. Here's a little step into my world, I have the absolute most amazing friends on the face of the earth. There's Kati, who at first put up with a lot of my bitching, whining, etc etc, thanks to Lexapro and a better outlook on things I am able to listen to her now. We have been friends for quite awhile now, even thought she gets on my nerves (and vice versa I'm positive) I can always overlook it and still be friends with her. Kati you're amazed that I'm still friends with you? No, you should be amazed that you're still friends with me after all the shit we've been through. Then there's Eric, I have known Eric my freshman year of Highschool. Eric is the epitomy of total studliness and may I add he's quite a gentleman. Eric at first was hard to read (I read people like I read music mags) I could never figure out if he was happy or upset, and he was always careful with what he said and did around me. At first that was charming I guess but now I am more relaxed, carefree, I could care less what you did or didn't do in front of me. Since I am not the best person with an opposite sex relationship I have top say Eric has also put up with a ton from me. I quickly learned that LaSalle isn't that far away from me and guess what? Eric likes going other places besides a fancy dinner party once a year. Sorry Eric for dragging you along, for making you wear all those suits and ties, and for being a total dip infront of you most of the time. Jason, let's see what can I say about Jason? Jason frankly scared me the first year I knew him. For those of you who don't know these 2 guys they are twins so whem I'm explaining total hotness, studlike, manly guys it goes double. Yeah I know ladies it's great being me, and no don't even think about it. I've also known Jason since my freshmen year, you we're never really careful infront of my, which I am not at all complaining about. Jason is an outgoing, curious spirit. You can and WILL always have a good time with him no matter where you're going. I think Jason has been the person to let me realize it's ok to loosen up and do what you want. Todd, well we have been through a lot, is it 4 or 5 years now? You're the first to teach me how to love. You taught me how to think without boundries. You made me realize there was more music out there besides N*SYNC (kidding) You've listened, you've trusted when you shouldn't have, and the listened some more. You've taken a lot of shit from me, and still talk to me on a daily basis. It's scary how two people can think on the same level and be interested in the same things. I've learbed a ton from you and felt that I've taught you a ton also. You've always been there for me right on the other end of my cell phone (by the way thanks for making me realize how expensive peak minutes are) for whatever I needed. Then there's Brennen, my little (well not so little anymore) brother. Yeah we fight, hit, punch, spit, yell obscentities, and just normally hate each other, but there's no other person I would rather have for a brother. I have treated him like shit from the day he could understand how mad I was. Funny how things work out, even though I am surprised I haven't commited murder, watching him grow up has made me think about what kind of person I am. We would skateboard together, yeah and remember your first true punk experience at Warped? Now I can still see the punk underneath that Abercrombie exterior. I can hear the punk (quite loud may I add) everytime you turn your radio on. I know I instilled some of that punk in him, which is fanscinating to me. Now that he's in Highschool, it's like reliving my years at MHS all over again. I am sitting back watching him go through this knowing that he will be fine but still trying to be the protective big sis. Mom, the best friend of all even though we have our differences. My mother hears everything ( that I can tell her about) that I do or everywhere I go. She's been more than patient with me since I started breaking away slowly from the house. Granted I still live here, I'm not here as much and I don't get to here about her as much either. She's listened, she's punsihed, she's complimented, she's almost like a sister (and not because I look like a younger version of her or sound exactly the same on the phone) because she will always be there and listen to my nonsense, and no matter what "wierd" choices I have made and will make, she keeps me in line and understands where I am coming from.

So why title this piece "It's All About the Music"? Being granted the privilege to know and live everyday with these people in my life, I can easily put together the soundtrack of my life. Every person I know is totally different (yes even the twins) each friend has a totally different personality. I can easily find a song to best fit what it's been like living with these beautiful people. I know I haven't been the best friend, having people live so close and never see them, having a telephone and never using it, so I hope they forgive me for being so isolated sometimes. I pray that they never leave me in lifetime, and when we do eventually all leave earth, I'm positive that we will all be friends again.

I don't understand
Posted by Hello

I don't even know how to respond..

Some things are just disturbing. Ask my friends, I usually point out all the disturbing things. I may even be one of the disturbing things but thats for another story. I'm a stereotypical "underground" type of person, I try not to be mainstream at all, but sometimes you have to. While visitng a wonderful little site today www.michiganhardcore.plusminusrecords.com I stumbled across a little flyer that was somewhat disturbing. I cannot and will not ever understand why people make such big productions out of anything a little contoversial.

1. Alternative Lifestyles. For some reason people in general are a little freaked out by this whole gay/lesbian thing. I understand why so many people would be scared to be around a gay or lesbian person. Lord knows that if I am in a room with a lesbian woman she will try to hit on me or worse. Get over it! No one is that insanely hot or oozing sex that much that just some random person will attack them because of their sensuality. So far every person I have met has never had that much of a personality or great looks that would even make me want to jump on their leg.
2. A Different Breed. They are not aliens or a product of some Satan/Hedwig relationship. They are people just like you and I. They are living, breathing human beings, who aren't afraid to show what they believe in. Really it's a cliche.... The Gay Man....all gay men have a feminine side. Not true, all of them are not hairdressers, or designers. All gay men do not wear hideous scarves around their necks and all of them do not know "how" to dress. Lesbian women, (and I'm only using lables to get my point across) are not man haters. They do not all work construction and I am positive they all do not wear a mullett hairdo.

I do not understand why people are so uptight to thinking differently. Get outside of your little self centered world, try using your brain as a tool instead of cheese spread. I salute anyone who is brave enough to dedicate a whole lifestyle to what they believe in, hell, some christians can't even do that. Heaven forbid you get talked about by people you don't know, heaven forbid people disagree with you. You may not be the "cool" person, you may not look like Britney or Hillary, you are an individual. Each person was made different from every other person so why are we trying to become like the "important" figures were force fed on a daily basis. Get your ass away from the television, if you dont look like a beautiful sex pot that has money shooting out your ass, you will never. If you don't confess you love Jesus now , you never will. If you don't scream out your beliefes to the next random person you will fall into the category with all the others. Be somebody, be unique, stop fighting who you are, instead fight for who you're not. There's only so much time you get here, why spend it worrying about what others think, worry about who doesn't know you for your unique personality. Get over yourself, step down form the top of the pedestal and get in line with everyone else. We're all here for the same reason, to learn, to love and to be different. Don't hold your thoughts in about what I am writing, tell me, step out of your little world and tell me exactly what you think right now, or you may never break that lock and I would never be touched by another person again.

Ok, So maybe I was wrong....

Amazingly enough, as soon as I comment about how shitty something is I turn around and get a face full of great times. Tonight I wandered downtown Monroe for the free concert at St. Mary's park. I took my brother and a few friends along. At first when we arrived there were not many people at all, still the music was good and the weather was excellent. I enjoyed the music like always but I can't say the same for Kati or Brennen. As the night progressed more and more people were flocking towards the park to see the Gunner Ross and TNT. Talk about bringing down the house, they tore down the house, cut it in little pieces, set the place on fire and threw the neighbors dog ontop. This band really rocked and so did the others but this one stood out. I had never seen such a happening event happen in Monroe. Now the only problem is, when will this happen again and why doesn't it happen more often. I've done my research on local bands and venues, granted Monroe really doesn't have a lot of concert venues, but why don't we have more concerts and events? It seems everytime we get a good place to party they take it away? I'm not sure if rent is high or people just do not want to stay here, either way there needs to be more places open for local music and art. I am impressed with the local coffee shop supporting artists, tonight I learned that I can bring my art work dowtown and display it, which means a lot to me because usually places only invite artists to do a show. Anyways I am tired I will write more on this tomorrow sometime. Eric, probably not a good idea that I have your cell phone, we can only ONLY, pray that Rayphe calls your phone tonight. Dear Lord, I know I haven't been the best christian but if you make her call his phone while I have it I will ....well wait maybe not. And Brennen, you're never too cool to be seen with your big sis at a local concert, I may not be hip with the lingo or the clothes (thank God may I add) but there's one thing I do know and it's music, so I'll never embarrass you at any concert. I take that back I would have to jump on stage naked and hop on Joey's back if N*SYNC ever get back together.

Shoulda Been A Trojan!...

One time at band camp.... I remember those days like it was yesterday. High school for me was such an awesome experience. Now tonight I could only look at the marching band and think back to all the fun I had. Tonight was MHS first home Varsity football game, like always the stands were packed and the energy was high. My mother is the president of the Instrumental Boosters which they are the main people who run the concession stand and do the annual football program. Since I am the perfect daughter I help my mother out every football game with the concessions and programs and whatever anyone else needs. I feel important and my mom feels a little less stressed having me there. The team won, I can't tell you the score because I was too busy working, but I did take off time to watch the band during half time. It's almost sad to think that I will never be able to do that again, so now I'm one of the sorry stragglers that help out just to be near this band.
I came from a private Lutheran school, I had gone there since kindergarten, there were always 32 people in my class every year and every year it was the same faces. I reached 9th grade and got sent to a huge public school with I don't know how many thousands of kids. Overwhelming but exhilarating to say the least. Having some musical talent, I joined the marching band. No I wasn't a flute player and heaven forbid I play the clarinet, no ...I was (still am) a drummer. Here I am this little 9th grader girl in a huge new school and now I'm playing drums with 15 boys. Boys? Holy Shit, hot teenage boys that knew how to drum, I felt like a piece of meat but at the same time I felt I was on a pedestal. Slapping on a drum with large breasts gets you everywhere you would want to be in highschool. I quickly made friends with all the drummers and a few select trumpet players that wished they were drummers. It was such a tight group it was almost like a Mafia. We took no shit from any of the sorry ass wind players, we gave hell to the instructor, who can hear him yell when you have 16 drums hacking away at one time? I was an entity, soon I had a cadence named after me, even thought it wasn't the most clean cadence it was a cadence. Don't get me wrong I was never a slut in highschool and I still am not, but huge breasts and an interest in guy stuff got me everywhere. I never have felt like I belonged anywhere like I did when I was in band. Its amazing to be at attention staring at the crowd, them waiting for you to make a move. Finally the whistle blows and fast carry begins. All the hard work at the camps at Michigan State University played off. After a week of vigorous exercise some crappy food and gallons of water a day I would come out tan and a few pounds lighter, with a heed full of new music and moves. The dances at night and throwing undies out the window on the 6th floor of the dorm rooms was great. Sneaking out on lunch and walking 3 miles to the nearest mickey dee's to eat decent food, it was like breaking out of jail, but us drummers didn't care, if we were caught we said nothing, everyone takes the fall for everyone. I look now at the small drummers marching along and they still use the same cadences and still act the same, they think they have come up with new material but I remember when we did the same. I have the most respect for those drummers, and I hope they don't throw this time of their life out the window. Once your a drummer, you're always a drummer, you will have fellow drummers to fall back on, you will have fellow drummers to watch your back. Comrades, brothers, whatever, they made me whom I am today, a sarcastic, loud, sneaky, mischievous, drum beating girl. Thank you guys for making me feel that even though I have a vagina and breasts I can still kick the tuba,flute,clarinet,sax,and trumpets ass all with one beat of my stick.

This is why I'm Single....

So, Im chatting on the computer due to pure boredism, and this unknown person sends me an instant message. Let me give you a little background on my life first, Im a tad "sheltered" as some certain person called me, which I thought she was wrong but I now know shes definately right. Im gullable to a point and even though im open minded I havent expereienced much outside of this town. On with the story, so I look at this charming dudes profile on yahoo, he's hot, total hot grad stud from Ohio. What the hell is he doing talking to me? He's a Notre Dame fan, I'm in love. He snowboards, is into music blah blah blah.....this is where it gets good. He asks me my interests, of course I tell him music, reading, painting etc. I ask the same and do you know what his reply was? Of course you dont, but youre about to find out. His interests are getting hurt by girls. Yes hes totally into dominant women, and hes always up for a good nut kicking. At first I laughed it off, it had to be a joke, but when he asked to clean my house naked and then be kicked in the nuts for not cleaning it the right way I was a lil disturbed. How can this gorgeous 24 yr old grad student from down south be so into this? WHAT THE HELL IS HIS PROBLEM? Little do I know after I research this a little thanks to Google.com he's not the only one. To my surprise there are a lot of men out there wanting this kind of abuse form women, why? Im not sure. So here's my advice to all the single girls just starting to date someone new, kick them in the nuts just once if he begs for more drop him, unless you like that kind of stuff. More power to you young studly grad, but you will meet your match one day after you get done cleaning a house and Helga rams your nuts up to your nose.

Whats wrong with this picture?

Is it me or is there really nothing to do here? I'm so interested in music and art but I usually have to drive 45 minutes North just to get a taste of it. Sitting between Detroit and Toledo not to mention not that far from Cleveland why isnt there a bigger music scene here? I really like the idea of Cafe Classics open mic night every Wednesday, I almost stopped by when I saw what looked like a huge crowd of teenagers hanging outside. I wonder if they are thier for the music, certainly not the coffee I'm guessing. I think some just hang for the hell of it, which isnt bad but isnt good. I'm pretty sure the number of teenagers is greater than the number of college aged artsy farts like myself. Having a community college is good but take a look at Ann Arbor, its always exciting, things to do not one coffee shop but like 2 dozen coffee shops. We need some diversity here, we need more than one good coffee shop, we need a few more open mics, and a few new places for people like myself to hang. I feel at home in downtown Ann Arbor, Detroit, and South Bend, Indiana. On one of my many trips to Notre Dame recently I was observing all the surroundings and all the hang outs, and to tell you the truth I never really saw a ton of little kids roaming around, there might have been a few more elder people there but for the main part it was people of age 20-30 maybe. Here it seems that theres a ton of small children and Elderly people here; nothing wrong with that but it doesnt make the "scene" any more impressive. I need inspiration and a whole new culture to study and I cant find it here, if anyone knows where its at tell me please.

Me and my Star......

Im listening to Coheed and Cambria on my way out to the country side, speeding along Dixie Hwy. Half a moon is out shining bright, its cool and the stars are twinkling. Im wearing a black tee and camo pants with my skateboarding shoes using my bitch glasses because I cant see all that well at night. Either way I'm on my way to my fav guys house to shoot the shit. I'm still feeling a little artsy and in desperate need of another creative outlet. I know I am certainly not the best writer, but I am having fun with this. The concept of writing whatever you want and having other people read it is just astonishing to me. But enough about me, My guys were charming as always. Always having something to chat about. We sat on the deck and looked at the stars as his sister and her girlfriend got into a pretty good argument. So its always nice to hear the cat purr and the girls fight. listen to the trains go by and hear the annoying scream of the girlfriend swearing at his sister. Either way thats pretty much my escape place, surprisingly its more peaceful than in the city. No neighbors lawnmowers at 8 am on a saturday morning, no kids running down the cul de sac screaming at the top of their lungs. Your neighbors know every move you make in the city, especially mine. I live on a little private drive theres a total of 10 houses on this street, everybodys business is everybody's business. I have a ton of stories about my street I will write about later. I have to hit the hay because 7 am comes quick. I need a clove and some tea and I am off to bed. By the way Kelly Rippa is a Libra also, this says a lot for the Libras of the world...right.

A chewed piece of gum stuck to a tire.

Ok, so I don't mind doing the same things over and over again. I admit it I'm not one for drastic change. I find something or someone I like and I stick with it. I feel like I'm spinning my tires some of the time but when you really think about it, why would you change something you like so much. It reminds me of all the extreme makeovers; you have a handsome husband, he's a normal guy and you're just fine with that. Your male co-workers however are a group of elite sex pots, oozing with self tanner, smelling of some pricey toilet spray, and there's enough grease holding that couif in place you could easly make breakfast off his head. The washboard stomach you wash your frilly undies on, and you try to mountain climb to the his shoulders and plant your flag, well or he could plant his flag I guess. However, you are content and hopelessly in love with you average height, average weight, sports loving, beer drinking hunk of a man. He notices one day as he's dropping off lunch to you and he also picked up a few carnations on the way to your office, that the men you work with are more like caged, untamed animals waiting to pounce on their meal. He watches your face as you look at the half dead pink carnations and open up the Bologna sandwich which took him twenty minutes to make, does he see absolute surprise? Maybe he sees disbelief or maybe he doesn't see anything at all except, bulky sweaty men massaging your shoulders. He decides it's time to get a makeover. He plans a whole day away from you and gets his hair cut and highlights, he gets his eyebrows waxed, and a prince Albert hoping to put some spice on his wonder rod. He buys a suit and some pricey after shave. There's no more scruff on his face that would tickle you neck when you would hug and he's leaving a cologne scent on you after you kiss. You notice his lips are more soft than yours and his cuticles are immaculant. This isn't your husband, it's a clone of the caramel colored, cigar smelling, monkeys you work with everyday. Why am I fine without change? Change ruins everything. If I wasn't that tired old piece of chewed gum on the tire of the shiny new Mustang, I'd be stuck to the ground watching everything pass me by. That tire has taken me to many places, its showed me things I haven't seen before, it's my only companion. When you have a friend like that, you get so used to hearing their voice every day, seeing there face every hour, feeling them touch you every minute. Why change when things are so grand? What would possess someone to walk away from the only thing they have known. My suggestion to you is to stick to your tire, or else you may end up with a flat, blad tire that can not take you anywhere. You may end up like me wishing that things were the same everyday, having that security of knowing that your guy or girl is great not because of the way he looks but because of the way he loves. Love makes everything look and feel better. Without love it's dark, it's like I'm trying to climb out of the hole, I can see the light but my fingers keep slipping. Why don't I give up? When you have had something that strong affect your life you never want it to leave. You know who you are. You know where I am. Nothings changed.